Children Polygyny Relationships




Marriage, in Islam, is viewed as a contract for life instead of as a sacrament.  It is meant to be entered into as a permanent relationship and both partners are accorded rights within the marital boundaries.

The marriage contract is called a Nikkah and in this contract the agreements of the parties are set down.  The main one being the amount of the Mahr (dowry).

The Mahr can paid at the time of marriage or differed at the woman's discretion.  The mahr is solely the right of the woman and therefore it is hers to do with as she pleases.  The Prophet did state that it should be reasonable.  In her book The Muslim Woman's Hand Book, by Huda Khattab she covers the terms of marriage.  Also in his book, Islam in Focus, by Hammudah Abdulati, gives details on marriage. 


"(Both husband and wife) should have the same religion (and the Statement of Allah (SWT):  "And it is He Who has created man from water; and has appointed for him kindred by blood and kindred by marriage.") (V.25:54)  from  the Summarized Al-Bukhari by Dr. Muhammad Muhsin Khan page 888.  


It is sufficient to say that the majority of Muslims view marriage as a permanent  bond and from this bond it is hoped that children will come.

Within the bonds of marriage it is not looked favorably on if the couple uses birth control as a means of preventing having children but if there is a medical reason that the children should be spaced apart or the woman's health makes it dangerous for her to have more children, then the use of birth control is accepted.  Such was the case with me.  

The List
Questions for Potential Marriage Partners
© Copyright 1999 Kamilat

Undoubtedly the pre-marital process of Muslims in the US who typically seek lifelong marriage partners is at best an uphill challenge. Gone are the simple ways of communities of old, with social support structures that matched brides and grooms "until death they did part".  Allah never intended for couples to enter such a serious commitment without doing their homework. It is not enough to simply say "bismillah" and expect a storybook ending. With divorce rates soaring in the Muslim community, new strategies are sorely needed for identifying Mr. and Mrs. Right.

About the Authors
The following list was compiled by two women--biological sisters--as an interview tool to expose problem areas likely to render a marriage unsuccessful. They also sought to open areas of discussion that are all too often ignored until couples have tied the knot and invested years in the marriage. While the authors wish to remain anonymous, they do stand by The List, citing that it facilitated an open level of communication in their own respective pre-marital negotiations that would have not occurred otherwise. Each are happily married and have two children.

Why Use The List?
Kamilat presents this interview--jokingly known as "The List"--in an effort to help Muslims, particularly Muslim women, better negotiate pre-marital discussion and the laying of "ground rules". This process is fully supported in Islamic tradition, so don't be shy to use it.  It's better to find out NOW if your suitor is unwilling to answer your questions, or if his answers are 180 degress opposed to your own views on life, marriage and parenting.

Please feel free to download and print The List, share it with your friends, of course with proper attribution to Kamilat. Men can alter the questions slightly to suit their intent (as shown here, the questions are posed by a woman).  And don't forget to share your comments, reactions, narrow escapes and success stories with us! Happy hunting!


bulletDo you perform the sunnah prayers of fajr?
bulletWhat Islamic organizations are you involved with?
bulletHow much dawa work do you do?
bulletHow much Qur`an have you memorized?
bulletHow much can you teach me?

Personal Issues (Sensitive Situations)
bulletMy friend, of whom you don’t approve, knocks on our door and says she has left her husband. Do you call her mother or do you let her stay for as long as she needs?
bulletYou see a good-looking woman hitchhiking on the side of a deserted road, and you pick her up and drop her off at a gas station, as she has requested. Would you tell me about it or choose to "forget?" Would you pick her up in the first place?
bulletHow do you react when someone makes you really, really angry? Does that reaction change if it were me that made you angry?
bulletHow would you react if my ex-fiancé called to invite me to his wedding?

Present and Future
bulletHow do you prefer to spend a long weekend?
bulletWhat do you do with your spare time?
bulletWhere do you see yourself in 5/10/20 years?
bulletWhat are your goals for this life?
bulletWhat would you like to have accomplished before dying?

Family Issues
bulletWhat would happen if I were unable to conceive children? How do you feel about children? Would you be willing to change a diaper at 3 a.m.?
bulletWhat is your view on disciplining children? Do you spank? Who do you believe should have the upper hand on discipline, the mother or father?

Conflict Resolution
bulletWho would be your choice of arbitrators in the event we experience serious marital differences?

bulletIf I really wanted to do it, would you be supportive of my return school…for my Ph.D.?
bulletHow would we support ourselves if we both had to be in school?

bulletWhat would you do with our surplus income?
bulletHow do you feel about relocating to a different state, or even out of the country, for work?
bulletWhat would you do if we became bankrupt?
bulletIf we were on an uncomfortably tight budget, and your brother asked you for a generous loan for a third (unsuccessful) attempt at a start-up business, would you give it to him? Would you consult me first?
bulletWould you buy me the car of my dreams, even if we could not afford it?
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